the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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