i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
