I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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