Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.