first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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