Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
