Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Houston, we have a squirter
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
