the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
