Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
