bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
