I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
