I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she peed on how many people?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
