You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
