Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
