i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
zippers are such a cool invention
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
