I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
