so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
