highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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