Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
