Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
