I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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