I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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