Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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