I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
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He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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