Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Randomize
