me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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