Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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