I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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