Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
