Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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