I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
And then he peed in my hair
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