party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
