i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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