found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
