Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
