Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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