I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
foreskin is a definite game changer
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
