He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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