I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Actions speak louder than pants.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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