She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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