so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
