my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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