I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
