Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
