and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
