I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
