Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
