I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize