Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
