Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
