New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
