She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
