is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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