So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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