Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
